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| Photo courtesy of letjesushelpyou.com |
As you may or may not have known, I have spent the better part of nine months embroiled in what I would call a "crisis of faith." My personal theology, my perception and interpretation of those bedrock biblical tenets that have undergirded my faith, has been shaken and tested in a very real and raw way. I am not exactly sure what precipitated this season of doubt and searching--it is almost like being in love--one day, after interacting with a boy, you find your thoughts begin to wander and dream, your heart flutter, and suddenly your world is a bit off kilter. All I know is that it has been a very uncomfortable season in my faith, and one in which I'd like to discuss, if not only for my own edification, but perhaps for yours, too.
Fortunately, through this crisis, my faith and trust in the person of Jesus has not wavered. I have never doubted the goodness and faithfulness of God, my right-standing with Him, nor my adoption as His son and my subsequent inheritance through Christ--both for this world and the next. I thank God for this, for this is no small thing! However, what has wavered is my trust in those sacred "solos" that were rallied around during the Protestant Reformation--sola scriptura, sola fide, sola gratia, and so forth--basically, the rejection of the Church as a hierarchical institution and any of its tenets that are not explicitly stated in the Scriptures. I began to wonder in a fresh, and even frightening way, whether Martin Luther and John Calvin and so many other "heroes" of the Reformation, had gotten it wrong--perhaps they had gone too far, throwing out the proverbial baby with the bathwater in the distorted illusion they were bringing the church back to her most sacred roots.
And so, months ago, I found myself thrust into a season of doubt and searching, embroiled in a long (and still ongoing) period of research. During this time, I have scoured approximately a dozen books on the Reformation, the canonization of Scripture, Reformed and Catholic theology and doctrine. I've read books authored by Protestants, Catholics, and Protestant converts to Catholosism, in addition to Protestant and Catholic Bibles and commentary. I have listened to hours of audio CD and online testimonials, sermons, and apologetic lectures, as well as personally engaged in lengthy discussions with my Byzantine (Eastern Orthodox) and Roman Catholic friends. I have attended mass three times and witnessed first communion and infant baptism. I have spent hours in my Presbyterian pastor's office, pressing him with questions and dabbing my tears with a Kleenex. I have frequented my local Catholic bookstore and the lending library of a local parish. I have dined with my friends and their priest. I have made and prayed the rosary. I have introduced a small holy water font into my home, and anointed my home with its waters, blessed by a priest. In short, I have laid down all my Protestant presumptions and explored the faith rituals and theological tenets of another mighty pillar of Christianity--one that I have, up until this time, conveniently and perhaps unknowingly, ignored and dismissed.
Throughout this quest, I have had to wrestle with questions such as:
- What is the Gospel?
- What is the Church?
- How is one "saved"?
- Is it possible to have a personal assurance of salvation, this side of heaven?
- Is baptism necessary for salvation?
- What is the Lord's Supper...exactly?
- Who is Mary, the Mother of Jesus, and what role (if any) does she play in my faith?
- Which books of the Bible are truly inspired Scripture?
- Who are/were the Saints and should we venerate them?
- Is it okay to have religious icons, statues, or artwork in our homes and churches?
Just a small inconsequential list, right!? And as such, I am nowhere near fully answering all of these questions for myself. But thankfully, I am beginning to feel my toes hit bottom after months of floundering around in the deep end.
Here are just a few things I am learning along the way. Forgive the bullet points, as these things are hardly items to be quantified...but I will use them for ease:
- There is a crucial difference between certainty and confidence. One may never have certainty in every matter of faith, but we can have confidence in matters of the faith as children of God.
- One must never read a verse or even passage of Scripture without being willing to explore its content throughout ALL of Scripture (not just the surrounding text).
- One must never approach Scripture with the goal of becoming its master. On the contrary, we must only approach Scripture as its humble servant (one of the most vivid and profound person epiphanies in this journey to date).
If you've followed my blog, you know I have been grappling with Eucharistic theology, exploring the life and ministry of Mary, wrestling with sola scriptura, and charting church history. I have personally grieved the divide of Christendom like never before.
My search has disarmed me in many ways. While I have always seen the Reformers as champions of Scripture, as they urged believers to read God's Word and empowered them to interpret it for themselves, I have since learned that St. Jerome, who completed the Vulgate in 405 AD--translating the original Hebrew and Greek Scriptures into the common Latin language of the people--was quoted as saying, "Ignorance of Scripture is ignorance of Christ." I have learned that there are many things Martin Luther believed that were flat-out wrong, such as wanting to throw out the Book of James as non-scripture (one of my person favs!)! I have also discovered that John Calvin never questioned such Marion tenants like her perpetual virginity, which modern-day Reformists unabashedly reject. Perhaps the dividing lines between Protestants and Catholics are not quite so distinct after all!
In truth, I am grateful for the Protestants AND the Catholics throughout history; I am grateful to the Reformers because they encouraged us to question and go straight to God's Word and pray directly to God Almighty to confess our sins and present our requests. I am grateful for the Catholics because through them the scriptures were preserved (as well as other literature and art) through the monasteries during the Middle Ages. So too, they more fully embrace the concept of the "community of saints" as they recall the lives of godly men and women throughout the centuries. To think of all the unnecessary blood spilled between my breathern throughout the centuries profoundly saddens me.
So where do I go from here? Well, I continue on the journey, like we are all called to do. I refuse to let my questions, fears, and doubts sideline me, and I resist the urge to sit it out on the curb in the "paralysis of analysis." I continue to walk humbly with my God...imperfectly I am sure, but prayerfully. I embrace those areas of discomfort and lean into the vulnerability. I allow myself to be disarmed and yet, engaged. For I am learning that where we are most vulnerable, perhaps excruciatingly so, we are also at the birthplace of the most wondrous things in life. Thanks for listening to a bit of my journey, friend--I covet your prayers along the way.
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