Uninvited

Photo source: article-3.com

"The roots of this friendship that once nourished me in deep places now ache with a barren flow." 

The moment I read these words penned by Lysa TurKeurst, my throat caught, and I sat up straight as a board.  Yes!  I couldn't have said it better! Why do I feel this way? How did we get here?

You see, recently, I have struggled with friendships in real and raw ways that have truly surprised me--I mean, for a girl who is nearing her mid-life years (didn't I graduate from all this friendship drama when I left middle school?!).   I have reached out to a long-time friend...only to receive curt responses, feel misunderstood, and face the discomfort of unanswered texts and emails, just hanging out there... unresolved...in cyber-space (doesn't she know that I love closure?!).  I have been overlooked and uninvited when local friends have gotten together to shop, brunch, or just hang out.  This happens to all of us, of course; however, in today's technological world of social media, it seems that our exclusion is only heightened as we scroll past pictures of friends doing fun things without us, or notice friends "liking" each others' posts, yet ignoring our own.

Ugh.

I've also recently experienced the pain of being ignored and excluded in person, as well.  I vividly recall seeking refuge in a bathroom stall, sobbing and reeling from the empty feeling of being overlooked for almost the entire length of a party in a crowded room full of people (I suppose it would have been the entire party had I not fled for refuge in the ladies' room!).  I have sat down to eat a meal at a round table for eight, welcoming others who approached me, only to discover they were asking my permission to borrow a chair so they could scoot it over to the next table that was full to overflowing.  I realize that these upsetting moments pale in comparison to the pain of being rejected by a parent, dumped by a long-term boyfriend, or going through a divorce.  But no matter how you slice it--big crises or small--it downright hurts to feel rejection, does it not?

In truth, loneliness is a strange emotion--it is not as overt and identifiable as some other feelings, such as anger or jealousy.  It often has vague boundaries and can flutter in and out of your day, or your week, without any obvious inciting circumstance.  One moment you are fine, going about your business, and the next, you feel as though you have the weight of the world on your shoulders as you realize it has been weeks or months since you've heard from a "close" friend.  Or, you bump into an acquaintance and find out that a dear mutual friend is expecting a baby, switching jobs, or getting married, and you were not told about it from them personally, let alone invited to the baby shower or wedding ceremony!

Are we all just too busy to connect?
Is there something wrong with me?
Is there something wrong with them?

So many questions...and yet so few satisfactory answers.

What has surprised me, during those brave times when I have dared to open up with other friends and acquaintances about this issue, is how pervasive this feeling of loneliness is among other women my age.  I have always assumed that I personally struggle with loneliness due to frequently moving, which necessitates the near-constant forging of new friendships and leaving behind old ones.  However, as I have learned through these conversations, those who stay in one community seem to be just as apt to experience profound loneliness, too.  After all, they are often the ones saying "good-bye" to friends and dealing with the void left due to others' absences.  Once, when I opened up to share my experiences, another woman leaned over to me and said, "You make me feel SO much better!"  Apparently, she, too, has wrestled often with feeling lonely and left out. I think it is something we all face, no matter our age or circumstances!

I've taken some time recently to deeply reflect upon this feeling of loneliness and what it has to teach me about myself, others, and God.  In so doing, I have read Lysa TerKeurst's book, Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely, and the following passage deeply resonated with me:

"I want the equation to be: make a friend, keep a friend.  Live in a blissful place of fun connection.  See eye to eye.  Believe the best.  Get along.  Be nice. Collect hilarious inside jokes along the way.  And fight for each other always.  That's what I secretly hope for.  But that's not reality.  Sometimes the equation is make a friend, try your best with that friend, and things go cold.  Really cold." 

Amen, sister!  Can't we just live in a world where BFFs truly are best friends forever?!

Apparently not, in this fallen world of ours!  However, I truly believe God comforts us and teaches us through our personal journey of loneliness.  One thing that brings me comfort is knowing that Christ Himself was lonely, too.  His was a hard life: never having a place of His own to rest His head, being befriended and then abandoned by scads of disciples (depending on what He was preaching), and even betrayed by His most trusted and hand-picked friends in His darkest hours.

Another source of comfort for me is focusing on all the many blessings God has placed in my life, both big and small.  Top on the list would be my wonderful husband and my three amazing children.  However, there are lots of everyday things, too, like the beautiful bluebirds nesting in our yard or a beautiful sunrise.  And at the end of the day, regardless of how I may feel, I can stand on the solid truths of God's Word, knowing how He feels about me and what He thinks about me, and I can experience this love through my family and the myriad blessings He daily places in my life.

In addition to comforting me, however, God has also been faithful to show me how He can use my loneliness for His glory and for my, and others', good.  For example, if it were not for feeling lonely today, I wouldn't have reached out to a friend I seldom see and invite her over for tea (such an encouraging time for us both!).  If my social calendar was always full of activities planned with my closest friends, I would never have the internal prompt to stop and reach out to others who need the love and encouragement from a friend, too.

God also reminds me, through the feeling of loneliness, that other people were never meant to fill me or satisfy me in the ways that only He can.  Feeling left out serves to highlight the truth that I am never left out in God's Kingdom, and that a place awaits me at the banqueting table of Heaven (not to mention He has prepared a place for me to forever dwell with Him!).  My loneliness piques my craving for the perfect, eternal fellowship I will enjoy with God, face-to-face one day, and  reminds me of the access I have right now with the Father, as His child.

Photo source: bethelspringsfellowship.org

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"  --1 John 3:1

Finally, it would be remiss of me not to add that God gently reminds me that true friendship can come from unexpected places.  Earlier today, while sitting in the sunshine on my deck, I noticed the faint glimmer of several threads of a spider's web.  I smiled, remembering the unique bond Wilbur and Charlotte shared in Charlotte's Web, and how unexpected, yet how deep and rich, their friendship truly was.  Do I keep an eye out for the "Charlotte" that the Lord may bring to me, to challenge and encourage me in my life?  Oh, how I will miss out if fail to do so!

If you feel lonely and left out (and I suspect we all do, at one time or another!) I would encourage you to read Lysa's book, too.  It has been a refreshing invitation for me to live in the fullness of my identity in Christ as a loved and accepted child of God (of note, there is also a Bible study guide and DVD series to accompany the book!).

In truth, sometimes we will feel included and loved (today, as I typed this post at home, a friend gifted me a Starbucks frappuccino, hand-delivered to my front door!), and other times, we will feel utterly ignored and forgotten. Sigh. But take heart, dear one--God knows, God sees, and our position and place with Him will always remain secure! 

(Note: To learn more about God who knows and sees us in our pain, El Roi, visit Hagar's story in Genesis 16:7-16)