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For one, there is the task of sewing knee patches into pants, stepping over remote-controlled car ramps, and the seemingly endless business of fort building and tree climbing.
But there is also a very important distinction as I parent a boy, and that involves the rather daunting subject of respect.
You see, even from those early toddler years, I noticed that this boy--this "boy-man," I like to call him--responded to me in a different way from my first-born daughter.
For one, he seemed to need more eye-contact and direct addressing.
He also seemed to get more angry when decisions were made for him, and when he felt that he had no say in day-to-day matters. He'd have tantrums when we had to leave a playground or wait in a line, and it took me years to understand that I needed to give him clearly laid out verbal expectations for particular places or situations.
He also needed to have his questions answered and his thoughts heard, way more often than my daughter did.
And even though he still snuggles in for a hug and likes to hear the words I love you, he doesn't really settle down or seem truly satisfied until he feels respected.
This past summer I was able to dive into this subject of respect by reading Emerson Eggerich's book, Mother & Son: The Respect Effect. It made me stop and think about the importance of mutual respect in our relationship, what it looks like, and how truly weighty it is for how my son gives and receives love.
While I was reading the book, I remember asking my son which he'd rather have: love or respect.
I'll never forget his answer: "What's the difference. Aren't they the same?"
I was shocked by his response!
No! They are not!
I can respect the President of the United States but not love him (okay, this particular administration is difficult to respect, but I hope you can see what I am driving at!).
But to my son, love and respect are the same.
My son feels genuinely unloved when he feels disrespected. And he feels genuinely loved when he feels respected. They are intimately linked to him, synonymous.
So, what exactly does respect look like with my son, who is younger, less mature, and not-as-wise as me?
Well, this is how it has fleshed out over the past six months, as I've made myself more aware of his need for respect, as I aim to love him well as a mother. Please, allow me to put this in a bullet-list format, for the sake of ease.
Respecting my son looks like:
- having a positive regard towards him, no matter what he does or says
- verbally expressing clear and fair consequences (some of which he has a say in...oh, and trying my best to faithfully adhere to them!)
- validating him as a leader, whenever possible
- making eye-to-eye contact, moderating the tone and volume of my voice when I confront him
- saying to him: "I am sorry. Will you forgive me for being disrespectful to you?"
- inviting him to say: "Mom, I feel like you are not respecting me."
- listening to his thoughts and opinions, as best as I can.
- talking about manhood with him and what "real men" do and say
- saying things like "I can respect that" or "I respect that" when he talks about doing, or does, particular things worth esteeming
- simply saying, "I respect you," instead of "I love you" all the time
It has taken a lot of humble prayer on my part, asking God how I can come alongside of my son, respecting him as the special "boy-man" God has made him to be, as I also command respect from him in the role of authority I have as his mother.
This can be difficult when I am jarred by my son's sin and shortcomings! And I am never perfect in this parenting gig myself! But I am trying to accept that he is not perfect, will never be perfect, and neither am I; we both need Jesus' grace and unconditional love and forgiveness, every minute of every day, and we need to run to Him...together!
If you have a son, I'd encourage you to get a copy of this book and prayerfully read it (and implement it!) for yourself and your family.
I pray that we parents would continue to learn and grow in the high calling that we have as Christians, resting in the promise of our Father to guide us and lead us as we parent our children for His glory!
"He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11
May God help us as we try to respect our sons and love them well!
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