Porn-Proofing Our Homes

Source: manolaw.blogspot.com

As you learned from my last post, I have recently become very passionate about protecting and prizing my sexual relationship with my husband as the gift from God that it truly is.

However, as infrequently as we Christians discuss sex, it seems that we discuss the issue of pornography even less!

It seems a bit ironic--the world around us can't STOP talking about sex and pornography, while the Church remains quiet and withdrawn--and sex was created by God to be passionately enjoyed and treasured by His people (within the context of the marriage, of course)!

In my recent reading about sex and marriage, I came upon some very interesting information about one of the major causes of low libido among married men and women: pornography use.

Being a medical doctor, this truly surprised me!  From my years in training, I have always been well-versed about a whole host of other causes of low libido: depression, chronic diseases, low sex hormones, stress, side effects from medications...the list goes on and on.

But pornography use was never on my radar as a physician!

In truth, however, the connection between pornography and low libido (and other sexual dysfunctions) is quite staggering!

Let me direct you to one online article that addresses this issue and quote a portion of it here:

"Experts say the problem is less about the amount of time someone spends viewing porn and more about how the habit affects their relationships and daily functioning. Research on the effects of looking at cyberporn is pretty limited, but a recent study of Italian men suggests excessive porn consumption can cause sexual anorexia — anxieties about sex or a fear of sex that limits intimacy. And the findings may also be important in the USA, since recent research suggests increasing numbers of American men are checking out cyberporn. Looking at porn regularly can hurt sexual performance because people may start needing stronger visual signals to become aroused. For some people who look at porn regularly, having sex may no longer even produce a physiological sense of reward. ...And it’s not just about who took out the trash last time — one survey found Internet porn is a growing factor in American divorce cases. While most porn viewers are guys, about one third of visitors to pornographic websites are women, and psychologists say women struggle with cyberporn addictions, too." 

This is making an impact in the medical community today, too.  What follows is an excerpt from a medical clincial trial, published in September 2016:

"Traditional factors that once explained men’s sexual difficulties appear insufficient to account for the sharp rise in erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, decreased sexual satisfaction, and diminished libido during partnered sex in men under 40....Clinical reports suggest that terminating Internet pornography use is sometimes sufficient to reverse negative effects...In the interim, a simple diagnostic protocol for assessing patients with porn-induced sexual dysfunction is put forth."

Folks, these articles speak to how pornography rewires the brain, impairs God-given relationships, and severely affects one's health and physical well-being.

And, even more sadly, pornography severely affects those of us who are in the church.  Check out these statistics (from 2005):

• 47% of Christians say Internet pornography is a problem in the home 
• 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography.
• According to pastors, the 8 top sexual issues damaging to their congregation are: 57% pornography addiction, 34% sexually active never-married adults, 30% adultery of married adults, 28% sexually active teenagers, 16% sexual dissatisfaction, 14% unwed pregnancy, 13% sexually active previously married adults, and 9% sexual abuse.
• 93% of boys and 62% of girls are exposed to Internet porn before the age of 18

And these statistics are BEFORE the release of the iPhone and the prolific use of smart phones and tablets.  I can only imagine how things have only gotten worse as technology has made images and videos even MORE accessible in our daily lives, and at younger and younger ages.

So, what exactly does this mean for us as believers, and what can we do?

First on the list is to protect your marriage and get serious in discussing this topic with your spouse.  It is time to be honest with one another, and we must start with ourselves!  We as Christian couples MUST take a stand and have a ZERO tolerance policy with pornography in our personal lives.  We must not bring it into our homes or allow it on our mobile devices.  If this is an issue in our marriage, we need to seek counseling with our pastors and Christian counselors and get the help we desperately need.

Secondly, for us Christian parents, we must commit to discuss this with our children--both our boys AND girls. (Full disclosure: I stumbled upon pornography years before my husband ever did when we were growing up!)  Statistics tell us that age 11 is the average age of exposure to internet pornography for children.  We parents must get serious about installing internet filters on our computers, but we cannot stop there--we must be committed to talking with our children about making good choices when they encounter pornography (because given time, they WILL, even with the best home-based internet filters!  In fact, I have recently learned that the most common exposure to nudity occurs within friend-to-friend texting among young people, not commercial pornography!**).

Here's one such resource that I have found tremendously helpful in talking about pornography with my two older children, and I have loaned it out to many a friend!  It discusses pornography--what it is, where it is, etc--but also speaks to how it actually rewires our brains and what you can do when you encounter it. (I went through it when my children were around 7 years old, but that is up to you, of course)

Thirdly, this must be an issue for fervent prayer, on behalf of ourselves, our church, and our nation at large.  Use the statistics listed above or the infographic below (click on caption to see it enlarged) as prayer points, and be intentional to cover this in regular prayer!

Source: https://www.dio.org/safeenvironment/ffp.html

Friend, we can't sit out on the sidelines and be silent any longer about the issue of pornography in our homes, our marriages, and our churches!  We must have a NO porn policy, for the health of our marriages, households, and churches, and be prayerful and purposeful about this issue in our lives.

May we, dear one, be motivated in a fresh way to passionately pursue purity in our marriages and to model that for our children, while equipping them with helpful tools to use when they face temptation!  Knowledge is power in this area--let us not be naive any longer about the impact of pornography in our churches and homes.

Thankfully, there is ALWAYS hope for us and our nation when we turn, repent from our sins, and trust in God's mercy, healing, and grace!

 "...If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land."  --2 Chronicles 7:14

(**referenced from The Tech-Wise Family: Everyday Steps for Putting Technology in Its Proper Place...more on that wonderful resource in a future post!)

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Prioritizing Sex in Your Marriage

Source: pinterest.com

Okay, today's post is a shout out for all my married lady friends, and it is not for the faint of heart (so consider yourself warned!).  But it speaks to something we'd all rather ignore and be silent about, but one that is vital for the flourishing of our godly marriages.  Interested?  Then read on...

It's been almost a year now since God laid it on my heart to seriously prioritize, prize, and passionately protect the sexual relationship I have in my marriage.

I can't remember what precipitated it, exactly...
Maybe it was the nearing of my 40th birth year and entering into double digits of marriage.
Maybe it was listening to my friends' comments about still co-sleeping with their children, rarely shaving their legs, and seeing how they used their bedrooms as storage areas.
Maybe it was when I began to make some lifestyle eating changes and prioritized my health.

Whatever the reason, I began to think seriously about the gift God has given to me--to us--through our sexual relationship in marriage, and it continues to change and challenge me!

Today, I'd like to take some time out to encourage you to do the same, dear friend, for great families are built upon great marriages, and we know that the Enemy has both in the cross-hairs of his weaponry because they serve to glorify God and reflect the truth of His love for the Church (for more on that, see Gary Thomas's book in the resource list below).

I'm going to keep it really basic today.  There's always room to grow in marriage, even for the best married couples!  But let's just start with a few simple steps toward growing a healthy, thriving sexual relationship with our husbands.

• Protect your bedroom:  For my husband and me, this means no electronics--no TV, computers, and cell phones--in our bedroom.  No distracting dings or alarms.  No possibility of introducing pornography into our marriage bed.  No office work brought into our private, most intimate space.   This also means great decor.  I used to think bedrooms should give off the "relaxation" vibe.  Not any more!  Last summer, I was convicted that bedrooms should give off the "hot sex here" vibe.  (Naturally, my husband has never been more excited to put down a bit of $ for some new art work and home decor items!)  The change was pretty simple really: we added some sheer curtains around our headboard, lots of battery-operated candles, new artwork that reflected our love for one another, some leopard print pillows and ottoman (a joint building project, which was fun to do together!), a faux fur throw, an essential oil diffuser, and an electric fireplace (our biggest splurge item, but still very affordable).  Just these few changes made us want to spend more time together in our room, enjoying a floor picnic or massage session in front of the fire place, enjoying more romantic lighting and intimate time together.  The only adjustment we've had to make is keeping our bedroom doors closed to the kids, babysitters, friends, etc, during the day, but it has been soooo worth it!  Listen ladies: your bedroom is not the place to store extra household items, files, papers, and NO co-sleepers!  This is a space for you and your spouse only (and perhaps the occasional visit from the family pet, if they don't mind seeing the wilder side of life!).  

Source: pinterest.com

• Prize your health:  What a fresh perspective a bit of scientific information provides! First of all ladies, we must understand how much our men give us in the GIFT of semen they share with us through sexual intercourse.  Basically, it is like a flu shot (no joke!), teeming with goodies like zinc and lots of other nutrients our bodies need to fight off infection and illness, given to us in the MOST absorptive area of our bodies!  (Isn't God's design soooo cool!) I recently learned however, thanks to Serene and Pearl (see resource list below), that this health benefit is only effective when you receive it TWICE a week.  (Now, I am not one to schedule, or ever want to schedule, sexual encounters, but I say this just for you to be aware of something to shoot for, if you do not already practice this frequency already.)  I faithfully receive my flu shot annually, and I, and a whole host of my friends swear by antioxidants and health supplements and essential oils, but I want to be frank with you today: you have a very powerful weapon against viruses and disease in that gift of a man of yours!  Enjoy it!! Secondly, studies show that no other thing we can do for ourselves can help us relieve stress and sleep better than having sex with our husband.  Oh, and get this, it actually can cure headaches!  (Being too tired or having a headache is no longer a valid excuse for me!) It is also one of the best ways to nourish your marriage in general. Unlike any other activity you can do together, sex builds committment, connection, and induces laughter between you both.  In the words of author and speaker Sheila Wray Gregorie, God truly intended sex to be one of the best parts of your life! (if it is not, then proceed to the last bullet-point, because God can change this for you...He cares and He is able!)

• Proceed with the proper perspective:  I recently learned (thanks, again to Sheila) that sex begins in our minds, as women.  Now, this is NOT how Hollywood portrays sexual encounters, so we need to be wise to God's design for things, ladies.  Hollywood portrays sex as happening when two people come together with a high desire for one another: they start "panting" (as Sheila calls it), get naked, and then have sex.  But we ladies rarely feel this desire/"panting" early on.  She says that for us, sexual desire starts AFTER we have started doing the physical stuff.  This has really been eye-opening for me, and I hate that it has taken me well into my second decade of marriage to understand this!  So what this means for me is that I can't wait until I feel like having sex, in order to have a great time with my husband in bed.  Instead, I need to make the decision first to go for it (either by initiating myself or readily accepting his initiation), begin to be physically intimate, and then the hormones will surge and I will enjoy myself.  Another important perspective to have is to realize we ladies want to feel beautiful and loved before we start making love, but for the guys, they feel loved as a result of having sex.  Understanding this difference has been huge for me!  I try to commit to making myself feel as beautiful as I can for those times I've already made a personal commitment to be physical with my husband--taking a bath in the evening, putting on particular essential oils, shaving...things like that.  (My husband is interested whether these things are done or not, but now I know to do them because they are important to me and help me relax...and therefore, have more fun!)  And for him, I realize that if we go a prolonged period without having sex, that would be like him not talking to me--he really does feel loved and appreciated through our sexual relationship in a very profound way.  Sometimes, perspective makes ALL the difference!

• Prioritize it in prayer:  One thing that has brought my husband and me closer together in the bedroom is praying together and for one another.  Sheila talks about this in her book as well!  Sex is far more than physical--it is just as powerful in the spiritual realm (if not more so).  What an amazing gift we can enjoy as believers, since God created sex and we are His children!  Last year, my husband and I started these prayer books, put out by The Unveiled Wife, where we prayed for each other in a specific way for 31 days in a row.  I am blown away that over a year later, my husband is still making lap after lap through this book, praying for me each morning.  While I am not going through the book per se for him right now, I too, have a monthly prayer journal where I have a section devoted just for him, and I pray through that section regularly.  But it goes beyond just praying for your spouse.  It also involves praying in the moment, in very specific ways about how you come together sexually with your husband.  For 14 years now and counting, there is only ONE prayer that God has ALWAYS answered, and that is to help me be available to my husband physically (when I am faithful to pray it!).  I've prayed this prayer when I feel too tired, when it's awkward, frustrating, whatever the issue.  (Now do not misunderstand: I stand very firmly against doing anything that BOTH of you are not comfortable doing together, for there should never be any coercion, shame or humiliation EVER associated with the marriage bed!).  But what I am talking about is those moments when I just don't "feel" like it, or I focus on all those ways my body has changed after having babies and I might not feel beautiful.  I offer up those prayer concerns to God and WITHOUT FAIL, He has answered me every.single.time.  Are there always fireworks?  No, I am sure not.  But I always encounter God in a fresh way when I see that He cares for me, cares for my husband, and He is committed to our marriage in profound and intimate ways, even more than either one of us individually!

Well, friend, this was not the short and concise post I had intended!  But let's face it, sex is never neat, tidy, controllable, and easily understandable either, so I guess that makes a lot of sense!

But I do want to challenge you, dear friend, to take a long and hard look at your marriage this week and the ways in which you culminate the covenant you made with your spouse in your marriage bed.  Are there changes you need to make in your bedroom decor or with your electronic use in the bedroom?  Do you need to prioritize your sexual relationship in prayer this week?  Do you need to kick out a co-sleeper or change up your evening routine to make time and space for intimacy tonight? Oh, I do hope you will strive to learn more from some great resources I've listed below! (And for my local peeps, I'm always up to chat...and giggle...over a latte sometime soon with you!)

May God bless you this week and infuse your marriage with passion and intimacy in a myriad of ways this week, dear friend!

Books and Podcast recommendations:

The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (And You Thought Bad Girls Have All the Fun) by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Prioritizing Sex in Your Marriage Podcast with Sheila Wray Gregoire (Allie Casazza's The Purpose Show Podcast)

Foxy Mama: Part 2 Trim Healthy Podcast with Serene and Pearl

Sacred Marriage Gary L. Thomas

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Mighty Warrior

Source: Etsy, crafty mama gifts

Now, I know we've discussed this before on the blog.

But it's been awhile.

And if you are anything like me, you suffer from what pastor and author Paul Tripp calls "identity amnesia."

I constantly forget who I am in Christ.

I forget whose I am through Christ.

I forget all about my heavenly inheritance and the resurrection power I have at my disposal 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year until eternity.

I've been camping out in Judges lately, doing a deep dive into the character of Gideon and the role he played in unifying the people of God to have victory over their enemy (see Judges chapter 6-8).

I've marveled afresh at how the Angel of the Lord addresses him, as Gideon is threshing wheat under the cover of darkness, in a wine press, at a time and place that is allowing him to go unnoticed by the Midianites, who have made it their business to steal the Israelites' harvest for seven years strong.

"The Lord is with you, O Mighty Warrior," the Angel of the Lord says.

But hold up!  Wait!!  There is nothing mighty or valiant about Gideon!

And he has never gone to war or been a warrior in any capacity!

Even Gideon owns up to this when this angel goes on to call him to lead the Israelites, stating that his is the weakest clan in the land, and he is the least in his father's house (see Judges 6:15).

But you see, God doesn't see it that way, as He promises His presence and power to clothe Gideon.

I woke up the other day with such an impression on my mind that I wrote it down in my bed-side journal before my feet even hit the floor.

          I AM WHO GOD SAYS I AM

What I love about that sentiment is that it starts and ends with God Himself, "I AM," the name that Yahweh revealed to Moses from the burning bush (see Exodus 3).  He hems me in, behind and before me (Psalm 139:5).  He clothes me in Himself and His righteousness and power.

I am reminded anew that I am ONLY what GOD says I am because HE alone sees and knows the ultimate truth, the only reality.

You see, dear one, as a believer in Christ, this is true of you, too.

You aren't your feelings.

You aren't your circumstances.

You aren't what or who other people say or think you are.

You aren't who you used to be.

You aren't defined by your intellect.

You aren't defined by your bank account.

You aren't defined by the number of "likes" you receive or your number of "followers."

You aren't defined by your abilities or accomplishments.

You are exactly who GOD says you are:

A valiant warrior.

Beloved and cherished.

Wanted and known.

Perhaps, like me, you forget this truth a lot!  But take heart today, dear one.  Renew your mind with the truth of God.

And this week, never forget that the Lord is with you, O Mighty Warrior!  And all power and authority has been given to you in heaven to be victorious over the Enemy!

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Pursuing Peace In My Home

Source: steemit.com

Recently, I have been reflecting upon the atmosphere of my home, and how I can be more intentional to promote peace within its walls.  We could ALL use a little more peace in this crazy world!  The Bible says that peace is something we must actively seek and pursue: it does not just come naturally in this chaotic world where we live.

"Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it."  Psalm 34:14

Fortunately, peace is something that we as believers can tap into and enjoy as children of God.  It is one of the fruit of the Spirit; our godly inheritance through Christ, the Prince of Peace.

So how do we promote peace within our home, practically speaking?

Well, let's look at this issue of peace in THREE different contexts today: our atmosphere, our attitude, and our associations (relationships).

• ATMOSPHERE

When I picture a peaceful home, I think of a well-organized home.  I picture cozy places to sit and read or visit with others, I think of a home free from clutter.  Does this describe your house?  Where are the chaotic places or clutter-filled "hot spots" within your walls?  How can we--you and I--address those places this week?  It could be as easy as placing a basket on your stairs, so you and the kids have a place to corral all the misplaced things that need to go to a different level at the end of the day.  It might be an entryway table to place your keys and tuck your purse when you come in after work.  It could be as fast as simply walking through the main level with an empty laundry basket and doing a declutter before your children get home off the bus or your spouse arrives home from work.  

Besides decluttering, in what other ways can we create peace in the environment of our home?  I think music is a wonderful way to counteract those crazy hours of the mid-afternoon and early evening.  A few hours after our noon-time meal, I typically pick a soothing Pandora station to play in the main living area and sort of transition mentally to our family time, sports time, dinner time hours (my favorite stations are Jack Johnson, Jose Gonzalez, Iron and Wine, and Michael Buble).  If the kids are rambunctious, I suggest they go outside or down in the basement (if its raining).  I try my best to fence off a peace-filled space where we can unwind, think, and simmer down from the day.

• ATTITUDE

As wives and mothers, SO much of the atmosphere in our home stems from our own personal attitude.  My mother used to say: "If MAMA aint' happy, ain't NOBODY happy!," in her thick Southern accent.  For better or worse, there is a lot of truth to this statement, my friends!  The attitude with which we go about our day-to-day chores, tasks, and responsibilities overflows into our day.  I say for better or worse because if we have a peace-filled, calm attitude, this can serve to enhance the peaceful atmosphere in our home, which is a wonderful thing!  (On the other hand, if we are anxious, impatient, and stressed, it can be very detrimental to our households).  So, I must ask, are we careful to be in the Word each day, casting our cares upon God through prayer, and renewing our hearts and minds in God's truth?  Are we intentional about caring for ourselves through our morning routines and how we choose to fuel our bodies, minds, and spirits?  Like my band director would always tell us: ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING.  If we have a decluttered home, but storm through it in a stress filled huff, yelling at our kids and complaining about our day, our family will be NO better off than if they all lived in a chaotic and cluttered home!  Let's be honest with ourselves and God, repent of our sinful and selfish attitudes, and ask Him to change our hearts (and our words!), dear friends, from the inside out.

• ASSOCIATIONS

In a discussion about peace, I would be remiss if I neglected to talk about relationships.  These can make or break our peace, and definitely impact the atmosphere of our homes, especially our marriage relationship!  Are the people you are allowing into your life those who build you up and cheer you on as you pursue God's calling on your life?  Or do they drain you and frustrate you, causing you unnecessary stress and strain?  Perhaps, dear one, you need to begin to put up some healthy boundaries in your life.  How is your marriage?  Is it thriving, close, and connected...or distant, strained, and starved?  Do you consistently take the time and energy needed to cultivate your marriage: talking with each other, going on dates without the kids, and strengthening the physical intimacy you share together?

"Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord."  Hebrews 12:14

So, how about you, dear friend?  Where can you begin to ask God to help you cultivate and pursue peace in your home today?  Is it in dealing with your clutter-filled living area?  Or by carving time out for a date night with you spouse this weekend?  What about with the words you say and how you deal with frustration with your kids?  I know I have a LOT to learn about being intentional to cultivate peace within the walls of my home, but I know that God has already been faithful to show me areas I can work on as I pursue peace, and I trust He will do the same for you, too!  May we never be content with chaos--instead, may we be diligent to pursue peace, and most of all, the Prince of Peace!

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."  Matthew 6:33  

"For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility"  Ephesians 2:14

(Note: If decluttering is your need right now, I can't say enough great things about Allie Casazza and her Minimal Motherhood and Your Uncluttered Home resources!  I have taken her free webinars, but she has many other courses you can check out here)

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The Right Weapon

Photo source: collegehumor.com

It has definitely been a week of highs and lows in our household!  Even though I don't have much time to blog right now, I do want to reflect upon some truth today and encourage us BOTH in whatever we are facing today, in this moment.

My son recently bought the Indiana Jones' novel trilogy at our local library book sale, which are based upon the Harrison Ford movies.  His daddy told him that after he read each one, he'd be able to watch the movie with us, so that has been a fun motivator for him to read through the books.  After he'd read Raiders of the Lost Ark, we popped some popcorn and snuggled in for a family movie night.  Minus a few scenes when we had the kids cover their eyes (especially the ending when the Ark is opened!), it was a fun movie experience for us all.

While I had watched the film many years ago, I had forgotten a lot of the story details and specific scenes.

One scene that actually made us all chuckle, was when Indiana Jones faced off with an Arabian man who was wielding a large, curved sword.  He swung it in wide arcs, moving it with precision on either side of his body, raising it high over his head, then turning it right and left down to the ground.  It was an impressive display of power and strength, and even made Indiana Jones pause and hesitate, presumably in fear.

However, after about a minute of these antics, Indiana changed his stance and firmly planted his feet apart, reached toward his hip and grabbed his gun. He aimed it straight at the Arabian man and shot him down dead with a single bullet!

"Never bring a sword to a gun fight," my husband told the kids, after our laughter had died down.

So true.

I do this so often when I am faced with attacks from the enemy, spiritually speaking.

I listen to his lies and cower in fear and intimidation.

I forget that I wield a much more powerful, decisive weapon within my heart, mind, and soul through the Word of God, if only I would renew my mind with the truth and USE it!

Let us never forget, dear friend, that the One who is in us is greater than the one who is in the world! (see 1 John 4:4)

Let us not allow ourselves to be intimidated by the enemy who speaks lies, whose only mission is to steal our joy, kill our faith, and destroy our families.

Instead, let's fight with the right weapon, in the resurrection power we have in Christ, armed with the full armor of God today.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.  In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication." --Ephesians 6:10-18

We do not have to cower in fear for one more minute.

Let's fight right!

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