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Okay, today's post is a shout out for all my married lady friends, and it is not for the faint of heart (so consider yourself warned!). But it speaks to something we'd all rather ignore and be silent about, but one that is vital for the flourishing of our godly marriages. Interested? Then read on...
It's been almost a year now since God laid it on my heart to seriously prioritize, prize, and passionately protect the sexual relationship I have in my marriage.
I can't remember what precipitated it, exactly...
Maybe it was the nearing of my 40th birth year and entering into double digits of marriage.
Maybe it was listening to my friends' comments about still co-sleeping with their children, rarely shaving their legs, and seeing how they used their bedrooms as storage areas.
Maybe it was when I began to make some lifestyle eating changes and prioritized my health.
Whatever the reason, I began to think seriously about the gift God has given to me--to us--through our sexual relationship in marriage, and it continues to change and challenge me!
Today, I'd like to take some time out to encourage you to do the same, dear friend, for great families are built upon great marriages, and we know that the Enemy has both in the cross-hairs of his weaponry because they serve to glorify God and reflect the truth of His love for the Church (for more on that, see Gary Thomas's book in the resource list below).
I'm going to keep it really basic today. There's always room to grow in marriage, even for the best married couples! But let's just start with a few simple steps toward growing a healthy, thriving sexual relationship with our husbands.
- Protect your bedroom: For my husband and me, this means no electronics--no TV, computers, and cell phones--in our bedroom. No distracting dings or alarms. No possibility of introducing pornography into our marriage bed. No office work brought into our private, most intimate space. This also means great decor. I used to think bedrooms should give off the "relaxation" vibe. Not any more! Last summer, I was convicted that bedrooms should give off the "hot sex here" vibe. (Naturally, my husband has never been more excited to put down a bit of $ for some new art work and home decor items!) The change was pretty simple really: we added some sheer curtains around our headboard, lots of battery-operated candles, new artwork that reflected our love for one another, some leopard print pillows and ottoman (a joint building project, which was fun to do together!), a faux fur throw, an essential oil diffuser, and an electric fireplace (our biggest splurge item, but still very affordable). Just these few changes made us want to spend more time together in our room, enjoying a floor picnic or massage session in front of the fire place, enjoying more romantic lighting and intimate time together. The only adjustment we've had to make is keeping our bedroom doors closed to the kids, babysitters, friends, etc, during the day, but it has been soooo worth it! Listen ladies: your bedroom is not the place to store extra household items, files, papers, and NO co-sleepers! This is a space for you and your spouse only (and perhaps the occasional visit from the family pet, if they don't mind seeing the wilder side of life!).
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- Prize your health: What a fresh perspective a bit of scientific information provides! First of all ladies, we must understand how much our men give us in the GIFT of semen they share with us through sexual intercourse. Basically, it is like a flu shot (no joke!), teeming with goodies like zinc and lots of other nutrients our bodies need to fight off infection and illness, given to us in the MOST absorptive area of our bodies! (Isn't God's design soooo cool!) I recently learned however, thanks to Serene and Pearl (see resource list below), that this health benefit is only effective when you receive it TWICE a week. (Now, I am not one to schedule, or ever want to schedule, sexual encounters, but I say this just for you to be aware of something to shoot for, if you do not already practice this frequency already.) I faithfully receive my flu shot annually, and I, and a whole host of my friends swear by antioxidants and health supplements and essential oils, but I want to be frank with you today: you have a very powerful weapon against viruses and disease in that gift of a man of yours! Enjoy it!! Secondly, studies show that no other thing we can do for ourselves can help us relieve stress and sleep better than having sex with our husband. Oh, and get this, it actually can cure headaches! (Being too tired or having a headache is no longer a valid excuse for me!) It is also one of the best ways to nourish your marriage in general. Unlike any other activity you can do together, sex builds committment, connection, and induces laughter between you both. In the words of author and speaker Sheila Wray Gregorie, God truly intended sex to be one of the best parts of your life! (if it is not, then proceed to the last bullet-point, because God can change this for you...He cares and He is able!)
- Proceed with the proper perspective: I recently learned (thanks, again to Sheila) that sex begins in our minds, as women. Now, this is NOT how Hollywood portrays sexual encounters, so we need to be wise to God's design for things, ladies. Hollywood portrays sex as happening when two people come together with a high desire for one another: they start "panting" (as Sheila calls it), get naked, and then have sex. But we ladies rarely feel this desire/"panting" early on. She says that for us, sexual desire starts AFTER we have started doing the physical stuff. This has really been eye-opening for me, and I hate that it has taken me well into my second decade of marriage to understand this! So what this means for me is that I can't wait until I feel like having sex, in order to have a great time with my husband in bed. Instead, I need to make the decision first to go for it (either by initiating myself or readily accepting his initiation), begin to be physically intimate, and then the hormones will surge and I will enjoy myself. Another important perspective to have is to realize we ladies want to feel beautiful and loved before we start making love, but for the guys, they feel loved as a result of having sex. Understanding this difference has been huge for me! I try to commit to making myself feel as beautiful as I can for those times I've already made a personal commitment to be physical with my husband--taking a bath in the evening, putting on particular essential oils, shaving...things like that. (My husband is interested whether these things are done or not, but now I know to do them because they are important to me and help me relax...and therefore, have more fun!) And for him, I realize that if we go a prolonged period without having sex, that would be like him not talking to me--he really does feel loved and appreciated through our sexual relationship in a very profound way. Sometimes, perspective makes ALL the difference!
- Prioritize it in prayer: One thing that has brought my husband and me closer together in the bedroom is praying together and for one another. Sheila talks about this in her book as well! Sex is far more than physical--it is just as powerful in the spiritual realm (if not more so). What an amazing gift we can enjoy as believers, since God created sex and we are His children! Last year, my husband and I started these prayer books, put out by The Unveiled Wife, where we prayed for each other in a specific way for 31 days in a row. I am blown away that over a year later, my husband is still making lap after lap through this book, praying for me each morning. While I am not going through the book per se for him right now, I too, have a monthly prayer journal where I have a section devoted just for him, and I pray through that section regularly. But it goes beyond just praying for your spouse. It also involves praying in the moment, in very specific ways about how you come together sexually with your husband. For 14 years now and counting, there is only ONE prayer that God has ALWAYS answered, and that is to help me be available to my husband physically (when I am faithful to pray it!). I've prayed this prayer when I feel too tired, when it's awkward, frustrating, whatever the issue. (Now do not misunderstand: I stand very firmly against doing anything that BOTH of you are not comfortable doing together, for there should never be any coercion, shame or humiliation EVER associated with the marriage bed!). But what I am talking about is those moments when I just don't "feel" like it, or I focus on all those ways my body has changed after having babies and I might not feel beautiful. I offer up those prayer concerns to God and WITHOUT FAIL, He has answered me every.single.time. Are there always fireworks? No, I am sure not. But I always encounter God in a fresh way when I see that He cares for me, cares for my husband, and He is committed to our marriage in profound and intimate ways, even more than either one of us individually!
Well, friend, this was not the short and concise post I had intended! But let's face it, sex is never neat, tidy, controllable, and easily understandable either, so I guess that makes a lot of sense!
But I do want to challenge you, dear friend, to take a long and hard look at your marriage this week and the ways in which you culminate the covenant you made with your spouse in your marriage bed. Are there changes you need to make in your bedroom decor or with your electronic use in the bedroom? Do you need to prioritize your sexual relationship in prayer this week? Do you need to kick out a co-sleeper or change up your evening routine to make time and space for intimacy tonight? Oh, I do hope you will strive to learn more from some great resources I've listed below! (And for my local peeps, I'm always up to chat...and giggle...over a latte sometime soon with you!)
May God bless you this week and infuse your marriage with passion and intimacy in a myriad of ways this week, dear friend!
Books and Podcast recommendations:
The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (And You Thought Bad Girls Have All the Fun) by Sheila Wray Gregoire
Prioritizing Sex in Your Marriage Podcast with Sheila Wray Gregoire (Allie Casazza's The Purpose Show Podcast)
Foxy Mama: Part 2 Trim Healthy Podcast with Serene and Pearl
Sacred Marriage Gary L. Thomas
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