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| Source: bettyjoseph.com |
Once again I find myself alienated, sulking, angry, and holed up alone on a Sabbath day.
Why this day of all days of the week?
Perhaps it's like a glass of pond water--after a prolonged period of stillness and rest, all the junk settles to the bottom.
And I find myself once again dealing with all that junk.
I've felt misunderstood, under appreciated, dismissed and disrespected this afternoon. I don't want to deal with another need, another complaint, or another ungracious heart (including my own!).
I've cried, stormed off, and said hurtful words I didn't mean to those I love the most.
Ugh.
I wonder at times if there is any hope for a sinful and selfish person like me.
I turn to God and His Word later this evening, because whatever I feel or am experiencing, it always speaks truth.
I read how the Apostle Paul laments how he, too, does not comprehend his own sinful behavior:
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." Romans 7:15-19The psalmist speaks to this as well in Psalm 73:
"When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you." v. 21-22
Yep. A brute beast. Now that is an accurate description of how I feel and how I've behaved.
My pastor talked about sin the other week using the metaphor of a tornado.
A tornado can have a narrow tip, leaving behind a narrow path of destruction, or it can be a few miles wide, carving out a ginormous wake of devastation.
Either way, it is a tornado.
Big sin, small sin, it is all sin. It devastates, destroys, and divides.
But it is startling how the psalmist goes on:
"Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:23-26
My throat runs dry.
My eyes well up with tears.
Even in this sin...God still wants to be with me?
He still guides me and counsels me, receives me, and strengthens me?
No strings attached?
No contingencies, bargaining, or contractual agreements required?
Even when I want to run from myself, I can always run to Him. (And as Jonah will tell you, even if you think you are running away from Him, you are still running to Him!)
May you run to Him, too, dear one.
If you are like me and sinned your way into a hard place of isolation and condemnation, you are not alone. You are always loved. You are always being held.
And may the Lord enable you and me to forgive and ask for forgiveness, seek reconciliation and pursue peace within the walls of our homes and beyond.
Will you pray for me, as I pray for you?
Thank you, dear friend, and good night. Now I have some things I need to go and do to make things right...
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